I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize