U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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