I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
he puts the penis in happiness.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
