I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
