i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
