I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
