never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize