dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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