if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
splinters make it hard to masturbate
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
