I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize