as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize