A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Randomize
