i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
