worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
