Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
