he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
