my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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