before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
