Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
She told me I should be a condom model.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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