omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
