Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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