My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
