he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
