The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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