Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize