apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
