Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
