so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
