from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Randomize
