If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
