a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
