Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize