I think I died a long time ago.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
