so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize