I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
