im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
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