I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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