I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
