I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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