Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
