Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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