I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
