Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
