I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Randomize
