Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
