he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize