If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
