You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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