I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
