Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
