She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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