it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
