I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
