If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
