well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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