yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
