I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
