I can text with my tongue
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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