Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
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