why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
